I’ve been single for well over a year. And, in the 10+ years I’ve been dating, I’ve seen a lot. I’ve fallen in love and out of love, experienced heartbreak, been to couple’s therapy, cohabitated, been in long-distance relationships—and so much more. And now, I’d like to share a few things I’ve learned.
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It’s a much more bonding experience to get angry and work past it together than to never get angry at all.
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I have a tendency to fall in love with who I want someone to be rather than who they are. This never ends well. I’m working on seeing (and appreciating) others’ true selves.
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To authentically know someone, I have to know them over time—through all four seasons, through major life events, through traumatic experiences, and so on.
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It’s okay (and normal) to grow apart.
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Unless I constantly examine and evaluate societal standards for romantic relationships, I will inevitably fall back on them. These standards are inherently white supremacist and probably don’t serve me. So, it’s best to stay vigilant.
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TALK ABOUT MONEY! TALK ABOUT RACE! TALK ABOUT CLASS!
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I do not want anyone else to be the center of my world nor do I want to be the center of anyone else’s. I am the center of my own world.
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Traditional markers of a relationship’s success (marriage, children, living together, buying a home, and so on) say very little about how fulfilling a relationship is. In fact, it’s easy to use these things as replacements for intimacy rather than doing the (much more difficult) work to achieve real closeness.
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As much as I learn about someone by meeting their friends and family, I learn WAY more about them by seeing how they behave around my friends and family.
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Though romantic love is often seen as the most meaningful type of love, family love, friend love, creative love, self-love, and all other types of love are just as valuable and crucial and powerful—if not more.
